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A Prelude to My Birth Story

  • Writer: Lindsey Hart
    Lindsey Hart
  • Apr 25, 2021
  • 6 min read

Updated: Apr 29, 2021

So many times I imagined what my labor & delivery would be like. As we were in the middle of a pandemic, I didn’t want to be in the hospital any longer than we had to. I wanted to limit our exposure and selfishly limit the amount of time we’d be wearing masks. In the comfort of my own home is where I thought I would spend the early part of my labor. I knew there was a very small chance of my water actually breaking before labor, unlike what television and the movies show.


What I envisioned was a scenario where we would labor at home as long as possible then transition to the hospital once I was in active labor. I would take a bath and relax, do the movements I learned about to help the baby engage for labor, and have my husband assist with the counter pressure techniques we had practiced. Once my contractions were consistently getting longer and stronger, we would pack up and head to the hospital. I wanted to be up and moving around and would delay the epidural as long as possible in hopes of encouraging the labor to progress as quickly as possible. That was the extent of my birth plan.


Looking back, I wish I would have hired a Doula. We decided against it because I'm always trying to save money and didn't want the expense, we didn't want my husband to feel "left out", nor was I certain if the hospital's policy would change during the pandemic due to the fact that I was only allowed one support person. I genuinely trusted that my doctor had my best interest at heart and would provide me the rest of the options as they came up to make the best decision possible. I felt comfortable advocating for myself, and I knew my husband would if I couldn’t. I was confident in my body and what it would endure. I was strong, healthy, and ready for labor.


I was the first of my friends to get pregnant. I read as many books and blogs as I could. I took a breastfeeding course, a childbirth course, and even attended a virtual week long “baby’s first year” conference with a variety of speakers. I felt prepared. I started following all of the mom accounts on social media and soon discovered the trend of sharing birth stories. That got me excited. I really only knew about my sister-in-laws experience, but only the way my brother told it. I wanted to do a video of my own so I could relive it. Little did I know it would, in fact, be unforgettable. So much that it would play in my head over and over again - no video required to re-live it. All I had to do was close my eyes.


When you're in your last month of pregnancy you are funneled with questions about how you're feeling and if you're dilated yet. When you’re really comfortable with someone, they’ll even inquire about whether or not you lost your mucus plug. People are EXCITED for that baby to arrive and once you give birth the calls and visits will continue to flood in. As we shared the news with family and friends, finding the words to explain my labor and delivery experience when asked was a struggle. With every phone call, it brought it all back up over and over again. It took everything in me to not break down. Quite frankly, I dreaded speaking to anyone, whether it was text or call. I didn't want to answer the question, "how was your delivery?". And every time someone said “how’s that little bundle of joy?” I was enraged. Many times I had to walk away or go out of view to wipe away my tears.


When I went to fill out my son's baby book, there were two pages dedicated for journal entries - for each of our versions of the birth. I imagine those page's in most baby books are filled with funny stories of the dad's reaction to seeing their baby crowning or the initial skin to skin contact right after the baby was born. I opened and closed it many times before finally deciding to take the cap off the pen, but not until after a month had passed. Only four words ever popped into my head.


Long. Unexpected. Uncomfortable. Traumatic.

One time I asked my husband what he would write in his section, and he said honestly I won’t - all I can think about is hearing you screaming from down the hall.


The day our son was born did not feel like the best day of my life. Pregnancy and childbirth are miraculous, and I am beyond grateful that I delivered a healthy baby, but my birth story did not go as planned and was not at all what I expected. I am learning that many women feel like their childbirth experience wasn't what they expected. I have found comfort hearing more and more women share about their birth stories, especially those that had caesareans. I've never viewed caesareans as the end of the world, but it definitely wasn't my first choice.


It has taken me some time to write this because had I written it during the first couple weeks, it would have been pretty dark and twisty. As time passes, my birth story continues to get easier to talk about. I have struggled to finish writing it as it has been both therapeutic and hard to face bringing it up again. It’s easier to just push those feelings down. I also wasn't sure how much I would share. I remember my mom telling me, “you don't want to tell your friends that! You're going to scare them and make them not want to have kids!” I wish someone would have shared with me a little more in depth about what I was about to experience.


I hope that more mom’s find the courage to talk about their experience, especially if it was unexpected or traumatic. Two really kind moms reached out to me while I was pregnant. One shared some great tips about all things baby and the other offered a safe space to talk about postpartum mental health. What both moms had in common was the frustration that other mom’s didn’t share these things while they were pregnant, and they wanted to help new moms feel more prepared. I knew about postpartum depression, but wasn’t prepared for rage and PTSD.


If you have not experienced labor yet and may get anxious or fearful reading an experience that wasn't ideal, then please do not read my upcoming birth story posts. I don’t know if my experience was considered an outlier or what I experienced was considered normal. I plan to retrieve my medical records with hopes it will provide more clarity, but not now. Your mental health is more important and this is what I want you to know:

  • Every person's birth experience is different.

  • Talk to your mom about her birth experience. Ask your friends if they're comfortable sharing their story.

  • Some have a really quick labor, some are even emergent. Some labors are r.e.a.l.l.y. l.o.n.g.

  • You can do everything “right” and things still may not go the way you had hoped.

  • 1 in 3 are born via cesarean in the US (ICAN, 2021). Failure to progress is one of those reasons.

  • If you are scheduled to be induced, talk to your provider about the total timeline and have them walk you through the types of procedures/medications they may try to induce labor. For me personally, it would have been helpful to know these numbers: cervical ripening (1 pill or 4 pills) = 16 hrs minimum, pitocin, foley = 12 hrs once placed, membrane sweeps = 24 hr clock to avoid risk of infection, etc). I was there for 56 hours before my baby was born via c-section.

  • For an induction, ask if there is any aspect of cervical ripening or foley that you could do at home?

  • If you have a c-section, you will still experience pressure and pulling/tugging during the birth. It shouldn’t be painful.

  • Look into working with a Doula, then take the first step of talking to one if you're interested.


Here are some of the birth stories I viewed before going to the hospital:

Now here the ones I wish I could have come across beforehand:

My Birth Story Series





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